Resolutions: As we start winding down and rubbing our eyes incredulous at our surviving yea, another year...Those closest to me know that it's been a doosey. No doubt the following year will bring about another set of accomplishments and disappointments but I wanted to tackle the beauty and the essence of 2005. In the words of Eddie Vedder, "I'm still alive!" and for all of the shitty moments laced with brief, fleeting moments of glory; it was all worth it. That's never an easy thing to say. Everyone wishes they could have champagne wishes and caviar dreams all the time. Unfortunately, it is the tough times that you end up learning the most from. If life were simple, it'd probably be boring and words like: noble, stoic, perseverance, poise--would just be words in the dictionary. In all actuality, I really don't know what to say here because the year was peppered with so many different types of experiences. So maybe in the form of David Letterman's Top 10, maybe I can countdown the year in my own way. Here goes nothing: 10. Lost my job. 9. Got a new car. 8. Dog died. 7. Sara came to live with us. 6. Joined the blog-i-verse. 5. Buried the hatchet with Barbara, my mom, and my sis. 4. Planning a move. 3. Attended my Dad's wedding. 2. Visited Carlos' mother's grave for the first time. 1. Got my marriage license. Well, there you have it. A taste of the good, the bad and the ugly. But that's what it's all about. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Why Birthdays Suck After Puberty:

This year was just as disappointing as the last and the one prior and the one before that. Why? Let's just say that the magic for birthdays is long gone. There is no mystery, no buildup. You can always tell when people are planning your birthday and you'll catch them trying to be inconspicuous. Carlos tried. Sara tried. It just isn't the same as when you're little and you're in school anticipating the moment when you can annihilate the cake and get to the wonderful presents. Now, I'm 32. Yeah, the BIG three-two. I've performed the ritual thirty-two times. Ugh. Just thinking about it makes me feel old. It doesn't help that I have this constant gnawing in the pit of my stomach that I used to know what was "cool". I used to be able to name bands and bob my head and belt out songs at the tops of my lungs. I used to know lyrics by heart, without sounding or looking completely corny. I hate thinking these random thoughts, talking my way out of eating a second-helping! I hate it when I do my year in review and feel as if I've accomplished 'nothing special' when I used to have something to do each and every weekend and my calendar was always full. Maybe I'm missing out on something. Maybe I'm being overly dramatic. I dunno.

What I do know for sure, Oprah:

1. I'm a year older.
2. There's a half-eaten cake in my fridge.
3. The milk and eggs (in the mix from the cake) will go to my hips.
4. There is no Santa Claus.
5. I can't remember (which figures since they say that memory's the first thing to go).

To Santa Claus and Good Doggies: We've been good this year, Dear Santa. We've placed our stockings on the hearth and kept a warm fire burning. But this year, I have just one wish as I place those Christmas cookies for you on the coffee table. I want you to bless the soul of my dear dog, Chico. I am glad I got to know him and to show him all the kindness in my heart. I petted him, I kept him clean, I walked him and I loved him. I made the right decision in letting him go. I know he went to Heaven. I know because that's the place where all of the best dogs go. And he was the best. And he will be missed. Rest In Peace, Chico.

¿Y Que? Okay, okay so there are major changes happening in my life. All. At. Once. That's right, people. I am being railroaded and tidal-waved these VERY BIG CHANGES. Just as a quick re-cap:

1. Joining the Unemployed Masses.
2. Relocating with my Hobo Knapsack in Hand.
3. The UnNamable Thing That The Mere Mention of May Single-handedly Jinx It

Now, Number 3 may someday make it into these pages, but maybe/perhaps/perchance not. I dunno yet so stop bugging me. I've got a lot on my mind. So why in the world do I have these stupidly random thoughts clogging up and basically ruining all my chances at clarity? Huh? Huh?

There's my wonderful jeans. I fell in love with them all over again because they're slimming. Not just slimming, but have the amazing ability to camouflage every blessed flaw, every roll.

Then, I think it was a character on Ally McBeal (played by Peter McNichol?). I dunno. I'm lazy and don't want to check http://www.imdb.com, but basically, "I love a fresh bowl." So this morning, I got just that. It really made my day.

I know, I know. It doesn't take too much to impress me. But what can I say? I'm fickle like that.

A Letter to Britney: Dear Britney, You know you my girl. We been through some stuff. I know you think K-Fed is the bum-diggity. And he is yo' baby daddy and all. BUT, I think you should think dis thru. Get a grip on "the real" and listen ta me. Is K-Fed really all that?! C'mon! While you're bedazzlin' yo baby in bling and Baby Phat gear, that fool is phunking with your heart! Whassup? What did K-Fed ever really do for you anyway? That ENYCE-wearin, hip-hop dancin', wannabe rapper, moochy son-of-a-gun ain't done nothin' for his and his own. You are the one shellin' out them dollah, dollah bills and where he at? No where. That's right. Ya heard me. No "freakin'" where. C'mon, now, whassup yo? Get yo'self a mo'betta pair of Reebok sneaks and kick that man to the curb. Iz ya wid me?! I didn't wanna say nothin' but he been creepin' before. While he was with his last girl, there was all this Baby Mama Drama going on. And I know you were all trying to get your freak on, but you didn't have to have him stay in your crib! You're mama warned you about roughnecks. Now, look at you! Kicking it with your girls in Sin City while that fool out and about. He's been round da block, you know he has. If you wanna bounce, let me know and I'll get my girls together. Just say the word, chile...and Eli'll bring the Vaseline. Lova Ya Homegirl, ~ Mema

Ring My Bell...Ring-aling-Aling: Anyone who remembers this disco classic can relate to the very genius that is bell-ringing. From Santa Claus to Paul Revere, ringing a bell is not only a prestigious call-to-arms but it is also a god-given right, dammit! Why am I bringing this up? Well, recently I was asked to be a special guest to "ring the closing bell" near or on my respective last day at the office. And even though no one else (save the other person who was asked) seems to share in my enthusiasm over this momentous event, I'm sure Wall Street and the NY Stock Exchange both recognize the importance of this simple act. Every morning, the bell signifies the beginning of trades, wonderful trades. In other words: MoneyMoneyMoneyMoney...MO-NEY! Oh those beautiful mounds of beckoning green stacks of cash. Just watch all those Brooks Brothers suits band together the minute that bell rings shouting, "Buy!" and "Sell!" on an over-crowded trading floor. Oh, Mary! Oh, Martha! Oh, Mary! Ring Dem Bells! Bells have always been sprinkled about as a beacon, or a symbol of good tidings. And it is never more prevalent than at Christmastime. But what makes the tinnied voice of this instrument so valid? Here are a few examples where bells come in handy: Jingle Bells - Santa Claus (or that funny guy wearing a Santa suit) is a wonderful beginning. There's just something about a tolling bell that makes people want to dip into their wallets and give. The Salvation Army is well aware of this, so you can walk down any crowded avenue during the holidays and you can hear it begging you for change. Angels get their wings - "Teacher says everytime a bell rings an angel gets his wings." "That's right, Zuzu. Attboy, Clarence!" I have no idea if this is true or not, but hey, It's a Wonderful Life. School - One of the finer points of raising little militant tykes is the school bell. Dreaded by some and abhored by many, this loud clang can tell you if you're late for class or if it's already over. Period. No pun intended. No, really. Some more forward-thinking schools stopped this tradition because they held this practice akin to training Pavlov's dog. Sit, Ubu, sit! Good dog. Come All Ye Faithful - Church is a perfect place to hear bells. Belfries were designed for large, ominous hulking masses of them which guilt-tripped thousands over the centuries into attending church. In Christian mass, the ringing of bells is used as both an instructional tool and a subliminal trigger. Depending on when it is rung, it can instruct the to parishioners kneel, stand, sit, heel, and play dead. What's Good for the Pope...- It marked the passing of our a Papal leader. Ask not for whom the bell tolls then. No sir, it tolled for him. I only hope that when I go, someone will remember me in both song and toll. Saved by the... - Yes, this bell sounding marks the end of a round in a heavyweight/lightweight/featherweight bout. Some fighters complained that they still heard bells long after the fight was over. Unfortunately, no one could attribute that to anyone but the fighter. Eh, punchy? Just Married - At every wedding, there is the sound of bells. Whether it's from a large pipe organ, small guest giveaways, or from Grandma's old Yamaha synthesizer, there should be bells. No one is madder than a hatter for love than I am. Let 'em ring in the union! Yeah! Okay, I'm way too excited about this. Just Like Starting Over - John Lennon cleverly made use of a small bell sound at the beginning of this song and for some reason it makes me think of good luck. Christmas Carols - Hark! How the bells (DING!) Sweet silver bells..(DONG)...All seem to say...Throw cares away...(DING)...Face it people, every Christmas song is way cooler with bells. And no sing-along is complete without 'em. So go ahead and enjoy the mirth and splendor. It only comes around once a year. Ring in the New Year - Besides seeing a diaper-clad Child of the Millenia and Dick Clark's Rockin' Eve special, ring a coupla bells. You know you want to revert back to those bygone days when you played with Fischer Price stuff that rang, whistled, spun, shook and rattled. So what's changed?? So there you have it: my take on the ritual. And remember that if you're hearing bells where there are none, YOU'RE CRAZY. So sit back, relax and enjoy your madness, Ding Dong!

Perfect Perspective: Sometimes it takes just a simple conversation with my sister to gain wonderful insight on the things that are most troubling to me. Eli (aka Julie Winters) just can get me like no one on this planet gets me. In the immortal words of Jerry MacGuire, "[she]...completes me." "You had me at hello..." Tear. For those who don't know her, Eli is very much her own person. She can be brazen and she is always overly opinionated. A true Latina through and through. So when I'm at my weakest, sometimes I need that stiff kick in the ass and Eli always knows just what to say. Things like: "Jerk!" or "Oh, Li, stop complaining about stupid things" or her typical, "Eh, sangana!" (which loosely translated means: 'Whatever, fool!') It is like a magical waving of a hand. And although she is younger than me (by three years), she has a wisdom that only hardships could teach. Let's just say that while I'm 'book-smart', Eli is 'street-smart'. *Cue Donald Trump Apprentice music* Last night was no exception. Her phone call gave me the boost I needed to see through another crazy day. Just so you can really know where I'm coming from, here's an example of the kind of conversation Eli and I can have: Me - "Eli, I'm kind of bummed out..." Eli - "Well tune into the NYC Christmas tree lighting ceremony on Channel 4 and you'll feel better." Me - "Oh yeah, I caught a little of the beginning but then I got caught up in doing laundry." Eli - [insane laughter] "...Rod Stewart's on and he CAN'T sing!" Me - "Rod Stewart's on?" Eli - "Now Regis is trying to sing! [laughing again] "This is too funny!" Me - [mimicking Regis] "Is that your final answer?" Eli - "Yes." Me - [still impersonating] "He's out of control!" Pause through laughter Eli - "Regis has the best job. Stupid Kathy Lee Gifford thought she'd do better by leaving Regis." Me - "I know, what a mistake, right?" Eli - "I'll say! What was the excuse she gave? She was going to pursue her (pause) musical career?" Laughter. Me - [impersonating Kathy Lee] "I am hoping to create wonderful sweatshops to sell my crappy clothes back to the children who work for me." Eli - [giggling] "...And ride the success of my wonderful children, Cody and...what's that other kid's name?" Me - "Cassidy." Eli - "That's right, Cassidy. Hop-along, Cassidy. What are her kids, cowboys?" Me - "No. Cowgirls. C'mon!" Eli - "I know, I know. They are kinda effeminate." Me - [sarcastically] "Yeah, El, but they're extremely talented. When Kathy Lee gave birth to them they must've performed a song and dance." Eli - "Omigosh! Like the WB frog!" Me - [singing] "...Hello, my baby, hello my honey...hello my rag-time gaaaaaaaaaaaaallllll!!!!" Eli - "And proud papa Gifford could've caught them in his hands like a true quarterback." Me - "24, 13, 55..." Eli - "HIKE!" Me - "Another David Caruso." Eli - "Oh yeah, he left NYPD Blue playing a cop because his career was gonna take off!" Me - "It took off alright! All he could ever play was a cop. So now he's on CSI Miami playing, gee, lemme guess..." Eli - "A cop!" Laughter again. Me - "That reminds me, did you see the Aeon Flux trailers?" Eli - "Yeah, it really sucks." Me - "I know, right? It's like they glammed up Charlize Theron and they totally missed the political statements and sexual tension between Aeon and that, that guy." Eli - "Yeah, the scientists's name...uh, well..." Me - "Gosh, this is gonna haunt me." Eli - "Well, whatever-his-name is." Me - "Yeah and--" Eli - "It's like if they were to do the Maxx. I would love to direct that movie." Me - "Ooh..." Eli - "The casting would be easy. I would pick a really flawed girlie-girl. Someone like Sarah Michelle Gellar, only not her." Me - "Yeah I know what you mean. How about Britney Murphy?" Eli - "No, someone more like Kelly Clarkson." Me - "Yeah, that'd be a good breakthrough for her." Eli - "Better than that 'From Justin to Kelly' movie!" Me - "Definitely, definitely." Eli - "Wait! They're counting down the Christmas lights...five, four, three..." Me - "Two..." Eli - "...One..." Me - "Happy New Year!" Eli - "I curfew, Becky." Me - "I curfew, too, Darlene." Phone call with friends? $25 a month. Phone call from cell phone? $50 a month. Phone calls with Eli? Priceless. Thanks, El.